


White stained of Black drops

by Yuuki_Nyanmaru



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:55:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27608636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yuuki_Nyanmaru/pseuds/Yuuki_Nyanmaru
Summary: Aiba has everything: a good job, good friends, a good lover; a way too good lover. And he is managing to destroy everything... He is the worst.
Relationships: Aiba Masaki/Matsumoto Jun, Aiba Masaki/Sakurai Sho
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	White stained of Black drops

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted in my journal on the 24th March 2019. This is very angst-filled, TW: cheating. Don't read if you're not comfortable with the topic. If you'll read, hope you enjoy it!

He was the worst.

Aiba had everything: a good job, good friends, a good lover; a way too good lover. And he was managing to destroy everything. Well, not really actually. No one knew after all, so he couldn’t destroy anything when no one was witnessing it. The only one to know was him, so as long as he didn’t mention anything, everything would remain perfect as it was.

And it was so damn easy to remain silent, to open his mouth and just tell lies. It became a habit since that first time he lied to Sho, 6 months ago. And somehow, lies attracted other lies and before he could realize, he was surrounded by lies everywhere. He lied at his workplace, he lied to his friends, he lied to the only person who had actually loved him. And he felt like there was no way out from that abyss.

He didn’t know when it started, or even how. Sho’s attention started to not be enough; he wanted more. He tried to focus on something else: gym, cooking lessons, yoga. He had tried everything, he even joined some art classes. And probably... No, surely, he shouldn’t have joined those. If he hadn't done that, then he wouldn’t have been in this situation now. Because he wouldn’t know about the existence of Jun. But, unfortunately, he couldn’t stop the clock hands and go back to when he signed up for that art course.

At first, it was just friendship. Another friend among all the ones he already had, another person to whom he could open up to. But soon it became more. He started to desire his body, to desire his kisses, and he got them. Jun gave him everything his body requested, he would satisfy every sexual demand he would ask. When he started to look forward to the art classes, just for the sake of seeing him, he understood that he had to put an end to this. He couldn’t do that to Sho, he still loved him after all. Nonetheless, 2 weeks later after having quit, he himself reached out to Jun, saying that he needed him. And it was then, that he fell into the abyss.

When he understood that he couldn’t stop, he started to think that he had to tell Sho the truth. The other one was always giving him all his love, while he was betraying him, and he felt disgusted towards himself. But when he thought of how to explain his relationship with Jun, he realized that there wasn’t a relationship in the first place. It was just plain lust. Jun was only having sex with him, nothing more nothing less. He wasn’t cuddling with him after it, he wasn’t caressing him, he wasn’t hugging him.

Sho, instead... _Oh_ , Sho was totally different. He was complimenting him, giving him gifts, taking him to dates, making surprises for him, telling him how much he cared about him and how much he loved him. Sho knew that something was wrong with Masaki, of course he knew, but as the amazing person he was, he had never asked him. He knew that if he really needed to, Aiba would come to him himself. He knew that it was useless to try to make him talk.

Sho knew everything about him, even the tiniest and most futile thing. He just knew. Because he had always watched him, almost studied him. Many times Sho knew more things about him, than Masaki himself. And this was so comforting somehow because he had never felt lost thanks to that. There was this certainty in Aiba, that no matter how lost he could feel, Sho would always know what was best for him and would try to make him choose the right path.

Because Sho was like an assurance. If he fell, Sho would catch him and make him stand up again for sure. Jun? He would probably reason if it was worth it before doing that. And how he could blame him. After all, between them, there was nothing deep, so why would he have to put himself on the line if he acknowledged that Aiba wasn’t worth it? Because, after all, it wasn’t like Aiba was such a special person. He himself would wonder why Sho loved him so much. How could Sho see something good in him? He was simply scum.

But he couldn’t let go of Sho. He needed him. He needed his unconditional support, his unconditional trust, his unconditional love. Whenever his heart was breaking apart, Sho’s warm presence would always soothe it and make it beat again. But he couldn’t even let go of Jun. He needed that burning desire inside him, that passion he felt whenever the other man would touch any part of his body, that lust which ate him up as soon as his gaze would meet Jun’s one.

As he glanced outside the window, in Jun’s apartment, he reasoned about these two people filling his life.

Sho was the light, Jun was the darkness. Sho was the love, Jun was the lust. Sho was the white, Jun was the black. Sho was the cozy, reassuring quilt which embraced you and welcomed you in its arms, Jun was the blanket you didn’t even think to want but end up coming back to, because you needed to feel it on your body. So different, yet both so important.

Jun entered the room and Aiba turned. He had already dressed up for going out that night; who knew how many hearts he was going to win. Masaki smiled sadly, realizing once again that he wasn’t a special someone for him. Jun himself had told him, after all, that he was just one among many others. But he had never wanted to believe that, because to him it was impossible that he wasn’t at least a bit important for Jun.

Aiba walked up to him and, shyly, hugged him. Jun was surprised, but he eventually circled his arms around him. That was their first hug, and Aiba felt that it would be warmer to embrace an iceberg. There wasn’t any feeling on Jun’s side. He wasn't hugging him for protecting him, for comforting him. Jun wasn't bringing his face closer to his body, he wasn't sending any message to him.

Aiba broke the hug and tried one last time. He locked their lips together. Jun kissed divinely, but cold shivers started to run down Masaki’s spine. At first, those were thrilling, exciting, but now they were just bitter, hurtful. Even when their tongues met, nothing was telling him that Jun was feeling something in his chest, and not just in his pants.

Aiba moved away and stared at the other man silently. He was asking himself if all this had a meaning. But he didn’t want to ponder on this too much, he already gave Jun more time than he should have done. He had fun in the darkness, he played with the lust, he swam in the black, but it was time to remove from himself the blanket. It was time to put it back in the drawer, under the quilt, and to forget it. He didn’t need to feel it over him anymore, because he had finally realized it. No matter how you need it, the blanket will always remain cold and shallow and won’t warm you enough.

Without giving him another glance, he went to the door and opened his mouth to speak.

“Goodbye,” he said.

“It was fun while it lasted,” Jun replied.

“Yeah, it was.”

“Goodbye,” Jun told him. Not even once their eyes met, they said those words with their backs facing each other.

Aiba turned the doorknob and went out from Jun’s apartment.

As soon as he stepped into the road, even though the sun had already set, he felt like he was finally out of the dark. He was in the light again, and a fond smile spread on his lips. The sun had already set, yes, but his very own sun was waiting for him.

When Aiba entered their apartment, the light brightened up his face. When his “ _I’m home,_ ” was replied by a “ _Welcome back,_ ”, warmth started to embrace his heart. When he reached the living room, the white approached him wearing his typical kind smile. And he threw himself in his arms.

Aiba didn’t even have to wait, because Sho’s arms immediately wrapped around him. Those arms which wanted to protect, to comfort. Sho brought his face closer and rested it on Aiba’s neck. Silently, all Sho’s body was saying to him “ _I love you._ ”

Masaki broke the hug and gently put his lips on his. A warm sensation started to fill every cell of his body as Sho kissed him back, as their tongues met. The other man smiled in the kiss, and Aiba knew that Sho’s heart was jumping all around his rib cage.

Sho broke the kiss and, taking his face with his hands, he whispered, “I don’t know what happened or what you went through. But, _oh God_ , I’m so happy that you’re back again.”

“I’m happy too.”

“I love you more than anything, you know that.”

“I love you too. And I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

There were some tears in the other man’s eyes and automatically he started to cry too. And immediately, as the cozy, reassuring quilt that Sho was, he hugged him again, welcoming him in his arms and giving him all he needed and wanted.

Aiba will never tell him what happened; he couldn’t. It would only give Sho a useless pain. He will bury everything, he won’t think about Jun ever again. This would be the last lie he would tell Sho. He would live with the burden of what he did, he would deal alone with the regrets and the distress. Because he would never forgive himself for what he did, he would always be disgusted by himself.

But he won’t mention even a tiny bit of all this, because he wanted Sho to have the same trust in him. To look at him the same way he had always done. He wanted to be the Masaki he had always loved.

He wanted Sho no matter what. Even though that meant to stain that shiny and pure white of small, dirty drops of black…

He was the worst.


End file.
